Settled

I was driving home from work through the little town of Franklin, Tennessee, and noticed the quaint homes and shops around me. The old houses reminded me of houses near where my grandparents live, which in turn reminded me of holidays with my family. I usually drive past houses like these when it is cold and crisp outside, with snow or bright colored leaves framing them. These houses also were surrounded with red and orange leaves, and a grey, cloudy sky reminded me of winter in the Northeast. I was feeling nostalgic until I looked at the dashboard of my car and saw that the temperature outside was actually 65 degrees. Yes, it is the middle of November and despite cloudy skies, the temperature outside is warm. I thought of how strange it is that the people in these houses are used to warmer, milder winters than I am. It's normal for them. Then I realized, This is my normal now, too.

All my life I have wondered about what life would be like when I grew up. Where would I live? What would I do? Who would I marry? Everything was open wide, there were millions of possibilities, and it was always fun to dream of what life would be like as an adult. I realized today that now I am, and now I know. I live in Nashville, I am a teacher, and I am married to Ian. This is my reality.

This summer I graduated, got married, and began substitute teaching. Teaching renews me and makes me happy, and it is wonderful knowing that I have found my calling. My husband and I have a wonderful, deep marriage where we are continually growing closer together. We keep each other sane and make each other happy. We have little routines like napping together for a few minutes on the couch if Ian leaves for work before me, and giving each other one last kiss right after we turn out the lights at night. I always dreamed about being married, but it is honestly better than I expected. I've been slowly realizing that teaching and Ian make up my life now, but all of it hit me today when I realized that I really, truly live in Nashville.

I live in Nashville. I have an apartment here, a family here, and a job here. Mild climates and beautiful rolling hills are now my normal. While I was at Belmont I knew that I lived in Nashville, but it was still very temporary-feeling. I knew that Belmont would end in 4 years, and who knew where I would go after that. Nothing was for sure. Now I can look ahead 20 years and see myself in Nashville with a family and a house and a teaching job. What used to be so temporary now feels so permanent. Visiting my grandparents in Pennsylvania for a cold, white Christmas was my normal, but my future grandchildren may have a normal of visiting their grandparents in Tennessee for a slightly chilly Christmas with maybe a dusting of snow every few years. When I come home, I will be coming home to Nashville.

I know that God has plans for my life that I don't know of yet. There are verses in the Bible that remind me that as much as we may plan, God is the only one with the final word:

"Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”" James 4:13-15

"Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring." Proverbs 27:1

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Proverbs 19:21

At the same time, God wants us to have wise plans for our future:

"The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty." Proverbs 21: 5

Ian and I are carefully planning our future. We have many different budgets, and Ian gets an email when houses come available that are in the price range we hope to be at in a few years. We hope and pray that God blesses our carefully laid plans, but we know also to remember that ultimately it is God's purpose that prevails.

For right now, I am content with my adult life in Nashville. Nashville, my home.

Floating

This is a sticky, awkward time in my life. I just graduated, I am planning a wedding, and I am searching for a job. As the weeks flew by that led up to graduation, I was really looking forward to post-graduation when I would have time to relax and no longer have to worry about homework or deadlines. I was looking so forward to it that I forgot to savor every last minute of my time at Belmont before I hit the real world. I saw good friends, put off the job search, and tried to attend all of the end-of-school parties that were thrown, but I did not soak up the moment as much as I could have. Now, when I can officially say I have a Bachelor's degree, and I am finished with school for a long time, I have a weird feeling of being prepared but not ready at the same time.

As an extravert, I am energized by seeing a lot of people. That was one reason I tried to stay busy throughout high school and college, because the more activities I had in the day meant the more people I would run into. This moment where I am unemployed except for a small summer job and all of my friends have left to pursue their own callings feels strange and confusing. I am enjoying having some time to relax and catch up on tv shows while I plan for my wedding and organize the new apartment, but when I have a few days in a row of being by myself waiting for my fiance to get off work it starts to wear on me. I know that once I find a job and we are settled into our married lifestyle I will be busier and see more people, but it is an odd feeling to be excited to have time to do whatever I want but at the same time bored with sitting in an empty apartment. I cannot wait until I can start my career doing what I am called to do. Being a couch potato is not very purposeful.

I am very excited to start this new journey into married life. I cannot wait until I can wake up next to my fiance and I do not have to leave to go back to my own place at night. We have already merged all of our things, and I am having fun coming up with different decorating ideas for our apartment. He can be very opinionated about certain things, which makes me think creatively to come up with compromises. He stretches me in ways, and I make him try new things. We are always good at making decisions together, which is something I know will be very important when we are married. I know that marriage is something to work at over and over, but at the moment I can just treasure the opportunity to spend time with him as we plan for our future.

Although I am graduated and into the "real world", the future still seems hazy and endless. Looking for a job can be stressful and frustrating, especially when I love doing something and I am qualified to do it but am unsure of my place. I want to teach so badly. I always think of the Frederick Buechner quote, "The place where God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." I have found my deep gladness in teaching, but I am searching for where it meets with the world's deep hunger. Right now it has to be in Nashville, because that is where we are living and my fiance is working. I know that God has a place for me, and I can trust that he will work things out, but it is a hard thing to wait for. It is especially weird when I have been working toward something all my life in school, constantly finishing tasks and checking off lists, and now suddenly I have to send in resumes and wait. I am learning to be a patient person.

As I am floating in this world of waiting and planning and resting, I know that it is important I am still present. I should soak in the moments where I am free without a career, and the last few weeks that I am single and looking forward to my wedding day. Soon I will look back on this time and either wish I had savored the moments, or be happy that I did. I feel like I am 12 years old again, in between childhood and teen years, not sure where my place is. I need to be happy that I am blessed in this moment and have my future to look forward to, with people that I love and a God that is always faithful.