Near the end of last semester I decided to take a walk by myself. There are a few people that know me well enough to know that I usually do not take walks by myself on a whim. If I am walking by myself taking in a view that I normally drive by in a hurry, there is something going on inside me, something not right. On this particular day I had projects to work on, papers to write, and instruments to practice, but I knew that I could do none of those because my heart and head were twisting in knots and spinning in circles. The only way I knew to unravel them was to go outside where it was peaceful since my normally peaceful insides were in turmoil. I was on a mission to find out how to bring the peace that I saw in the fluffy white clouds and calm blue sky back into my life.
Of course one of the reasons I was walking was because I didn’t have a car. That was part of my problem. A while back my car had a coolant leak and the repair shop told me it would cost $400. My family didn’t have the money so I bought the part and had a friend fix it. A few weeks later I was driving home and the clutch broke. The day I went on that walk, the mechanic had kept my car for three weeks and it was possible they would have to replace the whole clutch, which would cost about $1000. If my family could not afford half that price the first time my car had problems, they surely couldn’t afford this. But we had no choice.
Another reason I needed a walk was because the guy that I had been interested in randomly asked, “We are just friends, right? I would never want to lead you on or hurt you in any way, so I just want to make sure we are clear.” I had lied through my teeth and said, “Oh of course! Friends.” It felt like everything was being taken away from me, and sometime during that semester I learned how to worry.
I walked along the sidewalk noticing the quirky houses I passed and listening to my ipod. I once heard that beauty is a cure for many things, so I thought maybe if I appreciated the beauty around me it would teach me how to have peace again. I knew I needed to trust God, but I couldn’t get my heart to obey. There was too much weighing it down and squishing it onto the floor for me to lean it on God. After walking about a mile I turned around with no new revelations, nothing to alleviate my problems. Now I was worrying that I couldn’t stop worrying. My problems were taking root inside of me and growing giant trees that blocked my view from anything in the future. I couldn’t get to tomorrow if I couldn’t climb my walls of today.
Suddenly a new song came on my ipod. I have no idea why I even had this song on my ipod because I didn’t remember listening to it before and my ipod only has my favorite songs. The words started to chop down my problem trees.
Take these hands and lift them up, for I have not the strength to praise You near enough, See I have nothing, I have nothing without You.
All my soul needs is all Your love to cover me so all the world will see that I have nothing, I have nothing without You.
Take my time here on this earth and let it glorify all that You are worth for I am nothing, I am nothing without You.
The peace that I was searching for started to creep in with the haunting words, “I have nothing.” Nothing. This world could take away everything I own, but what am I losing? Only what God had blessed me with in the first place. I already had my Savior, who was the One thing I could never lose, and He was all that I needed. If I lose something, it is ok because I was only borrowing it to begin with. Nothing I have on this earth is mine. Nothing except Jesus. My problem was not that my car was breaking down or that the guy I liked did not share the same feelings, it was that I had somehow given myself a sense of ownership, as if I deserved these things. The only thing I deserve is hell, and Jesus already gave me the gift of life with Him instead. I’m the richest girl in the world, but my treasure is not of this earth.
