This is a sticky, awkward time in my life. I just graduated, I am planning a wedding, and I am searching for a job. As the weeks flew by that led up to graduation, I was really looking forward to post-graduation when I would have time to relax and no longer have to worry about homework or deadlines. I was looking so forward to it that I forgot to savor every last minute of my time at Belmont before I hit the real world. I saw good friends, put off the job search, and tried to attend all of the end-of-school parties that were thrown, but I did not soak up the moment as much as I could have. Now, when I can officially say I have a Bachelor's degree, and I am finished with school for a long time, I have a weird feeling of being prepared but not ready at the same time.
As an extravert, I am energized by seeing a lot of people. That was one reason I tried to stay busy throughout high school and college, because the more activities I had in the day meant the more people I would run into. This moment where I am unemployed except for a small summer job and all of my friends have left to pursue their own callings feels strange and confusing. I am enjoying having some time to relax and catch up on tv shows while I plan for my wedding and organize the new apartment, but when I have a few days in a row of being by myself waiting for my fiance to get off work it starts to wear on me. I know that once I find a job and we are settled into our married lifestyle I will be busier and see more people, but it is an odd feeling to be excited to have time to do whatever I want but at the same time bored with sitting in an empty apartment. I cannot wait until I can start my career doing what I am called to do. Being a couch potato is not very purposeful.
I am very excited to start this new journey into married life. I cannot wait until I can wake up next to my fiance and I do not have to leave to go back to my own place at night. We have already merged all of our things, and I am having fun coming up with different decorating ideas for our apartment. He can be very opinionated about certain things, which makes me think creatively to come up with compromises. He stretches me in ways, and I make him try new things. We are always good at making decisions together, which is something I know will be very important when we are married. I know that marriage is something to work at over and over, but at the moment I can just treasure the opportunity to spend time with him as we plan for our future.
Although I am graduated and into the "real world", the future still seems hazy and endless. Looking for a job can be stressful and frustrating, especially when I love doing something and I am qualified to do it but am unsure of my place. I want to teach so badly. I always think of the Frederick Buechner quote, "The place where God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." I have found my deep gladness in teaching, but I am searching for where it meets with the world's deep hunger. Right now it has to be in Nashville, because that is where we are living and my fiance is working. I know that God has a place for me, and I can trust that he will work things out, but it is a hard thing to wait for. It is especially weird when I have been working toward something all my life in school, constantly finishing tasks and checking off lists, and now suddenly I have to send in resumes and wait. I am learning to be a patient person.
As I am floating in this world of waiting and planning and resting, I know that it is important I am still present. I should soak in the moments where I am free without a career, and the last few weeks that I am single and looking forward to my wedding day. Soon I will look back on this time and either wish I had savored the moments, or be happy that I did. I feel like I am 12 years old again, in between childhood and teen years, not sure where my place is. I need to be happy that I am blessed in this moment and have my future to look forward to, with people that I love and a God that is always faithful.
