Decisions

I tend to think that everything happens for a reason. There are a few reasons for this, one being that my favorite verse growing up was Romans 8:28, which says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His plan.” Reading back through my journal entries I can sense how God has led me, through little choices and odd circumstances, to where I am today in order to be the person I am. I can read prayers that my teenage heart uttered when I thought the world revolved around my high school, and I can see how God worked through every heartache to teach me a lesson I would need a few years later. It is incredible the way He can take my choices and weave them into a tapestry that shows a bigger picture. I caught a glimpse of the bigger picture when I realized how one small, seemingly insignificant choice I made in sixth grade changed the whole course of my life.

The music program in my elementary school had general music classes up until the sixth grade, when we were given a slew of instruments and we had to choose one to play in the band or orchestra. I remember thinking for days about which one would suit me best. Neighbors offered their instruments for me to try, and I went back and forth trying to decide my favorite. In fourth grade I had enjoyed the recorder, and the clarinet looked like the recorder so maybe I should play the clarinet. At the same time, I loved the sound of the flute. It reminded me of a jungle and ancient people playing reeds. I also loved the violin, the way it pulls you into its sound and makes you long for something, though you don’t know what. All three of these instruments played melodies and exciting parts in the band or orchestra, and they were quiet enough to blend in but beautiful enough to arrest your attention in a solo. In the end, I chose clarinet, and I’m still not sure exactly how I came to that conclusion.

The first time I played clarinet by myself in class we had to play Mary Had A Little Lamb for a grade. The teacher immediately asked if I had ever played before, and when I said no he suggested I look into private lessons. He saw potential in me from the first. We didn’t have much money for lessons, but since I chose clarinet I was able to take lessons from the junior high band director whose primary instrument was the clarinet. By the time I was in junior high, the teacher was still giving me lessons and knew my abilities so she always sat me in the front of the section. I had always been really shy, but I learned quickly that music gave me chances for the spotlight that I had secretly craved. When we moved to high school, the junior high teacher put in the recommendations for who could play in the top band, and I was the only one picked. I started out fourth chair in the top band in the high school, the only freshmen, and when we had chair tests halfway through the year I moved up to first chair. The junior high teacher recommended I start taking lessons from someone in the Cincinnati Symphony because I had reached a level that she was not comfortable teaching and she wanted to give me a better opportunity. My best friends joined the marching band and pep band, and since everything I did was for relationships, I too joined every band in high school. Music was becoming my thing, my niche, and finally when it was time to choose colleges and majors, I simply could not think of anything that I would enjoy as much as music.

This was the point when I could really see God’s hand guiding me through my decisions. When it came time for college music auditions I needed a nicer, wooden clarinet. They are usually very expensive and I didn’t think my family could afford one, but the nurse from my elementary school happened to be selling a professional model, and my family worked it out so we could afford it. God planted Belmont University in my heart during the search for college, and when I auditioned they only had one other clarinet music major so they gave me the highest music scholarship they offered. I also got a scholarship from Cincinnati for being a music major. If I had not chosen clarinet in sixth grade, I would not have been able to afford Belmont.

I have absolutely loved being a music major at Belmont in Nashville the past three years. There have been rough times when I was so busy I did homework and hung out with friends late at night, slept during meal times, and ate in my classes. There have been seasons when I cried myself to sleep for many nights in a row, and seasons when I had to learn hard lessons about letting go and moving on, but I can look back on those too and see why God led me through those storms instead of around them. My identity the last few years has grown out of my independence from living five hours from home, from the friends I have met here and the opportunities I have discovered. If I had not chosen clarinet I would not have met my boyfriend who also played clarinet, I would not have been at Belmont, or in Nashville. I would have been a different person who learned different lessons and had different life experiences. I would have known different people. It is incredible to me that that small decision pointed me toward this life. Who knows what other decisions effect our futures, and how big the ripples become when an insignificant decision breaks the surface of our lives.

My Treasure

Near the end of last semester I decided to take a walk by myself. There are a few people that know me well enough to know that I usually do not take walks by myself on a whim. If I am walking by myself taking in a view that I normally drive by in a hurry, there is something going on inside me, something not right. On this particular day I had projects to work on, papers to write, and instruments to practice, but I knew that I could do none of those because my heart and head were twisting in knots and spinning in circles. The only way I knew to unravel them was to go outside where it was peaceful since my normally peaceful insides were in turmoil. I was on a mission to find out how to bring the peace that I saw in the fluffy white clouds and calm blue sky back into my life.

Of course one of the reasons I was walking was because I didn’t have a car. That was part of my problem. A while back my car had a coolant leak and the repair shop told me it would cost $400. My family didn’t have the money so I bought the part and had a friend fix it. A few weeks later I was driving home and the clutch broke. The day I went on that walk, the mechanic had kept my car for three weeks and it was possible they would have to replace the whole clutch, which would cost about $1000. If my family could not afford half that price the first time my car had problems, they surely couldn’t afford this. But we had no choice.

Another reason I needed a walk was because the guy that I had been interested in randomly asked, “We are just friends, right? I would never want to lead you on or hurt you in any way, so I just want to make sure we are clear.” I had lied through my teeth and said, “Oh of course! Friends.” It felt like everything was being taken away from me, and sometime during that semester I learned how to worry.

I walked along the sidewalk noticing the quirky houses I passed and listening to my ipod. I once heard that beauty is a cure for many things, so I thought maybe if I appreciated the beauty around me it would teach me how to have peace again. I knew I needed to trust God, but I couldn’t get my heart to obey. There was too much weighing it down and squishing it onto the floor for me to lean it on God. After walking about a mile I turned around with no new revelations, nothing to alleviate my problems. Now I was worrying that I couldn’t stop worrying. My problems were taking root inside of me and growing giant trees that blocked my view from anything in the future. I couldn’t get to tomorrow if I couldn’t climb my walls of today.

Suddenly a new song came on my ipod. I have no idea why I even had this song on my ipod because I didn’t remember listening to it before and my ipod only has my favorite songs. The words started to chop down my problem trees.

Take these hands and lift them up, for I have not the strength to praise You near enough, See I have nothing, I have nothing without You.

All my soul needs is all Your love to cover me so all the world will see that I have nothing, I have nothing without You.

Take my time here on this earth and let it glorify all that You are worth for I am nothing, I am nothing without You.

The peace that I was searching for started to creep in with the haunting words, “I have nothing.” Nothing. This world could take away everything I own, but what am I losing? Only what God had blessed me with in the first place. I already had my Savior, who was the One thing I could never lose, and He was all that I needed. If I lose something, it is ok because I was only borrowing it to begin with. Nothing I have on this earth is mine. Nothing except Jesus. My problem was not that my car was breaking down or that the guy I liked did not share the same feelings, it was that I had somehow given myself a sense of ownership, as if I deserved these things. The only thing I deserve is hell, and Jesus already gave me the gift of life with Him instead. I’m the richest girl in the world, but my treasure is not of this earth.

Come Back

Sometimes I think that my child self knew more about what I was meant for in this life than my adult self does. Somehow things that I have already dismissed as silly childhood desires tend to come back when I’m not even looking for them. In my earliest memories I remember telling people that when I grew up I wanted to be a ballerina. Where that desire came from I have no idea, because I don’t think that at that point I really understood what being a ballerina was about. I never even took ballet lessons. Recently, however, I realized how much I love to dance and the natural ability that I have to quickly learn dances. Sometimes I’m even tempted to find the nearest dance studio and sign up just to see how I would do. Maybe I missed my calling as a dancer, who knows. I do want to keep dancing for fun for the rest of my life, and when I meet a guy that knows how to swing dance or salsa dance he is immediately more attractive than he was before I knew that about him. Somehow the desire to dance was planted in my heart long ago before I had even tried to dance.

As I got older, I began to consider careers that made a little more sense for me, since I was never going to actually take ballet lessons. A creative vein still ran through me, and I decided I wanted to be a writer. I loved the way that writers looked at life, noticing the little details and appreciating them in a different way than everyone else. I remember walking around and thinking in my head creative ways to describe everything around me. I even came up with narrative for my own life. Then in 10th grade I had to do a research project on a career and I realized that being a writer meant my life would be full of deadlines and hours at the computer by myself, and though some people would probably enjoy working at home in their pajamas, that sounded so very boring to me. I decided then that writing was not for me. I moved on and I never looked back. That is, until recently. I read a book about celebrating life and the style of the author reminded me of my own writing style. I started musing over the idea of writing my own collection of stories just for fun. The idea settled into my mind and I would randomly bump into it throughout the next few months, but I continued to brush it off. I had not written anything that was not a school assignment for at least half a decade so I was sure that my writing would be awful. It probably is as far as I know, but the idea would not go away. It kept biting at me, reminding me that it was there. It was like a rock that I forgot about and stubbed my toe on every time I passed by it. Finally I decided to actually pay attention to it, and here I am. Writing. Doing what I had already concluded was not meant for me. Maybe I was too hasty when I concluded that long ago.

I like the way that writing makes me think, makes me look at life. When I write I think about the full picture, the purpose of life and where everything fits. I also think about the little details, the small moments that I gloss over if I don’t pay attention to and how wonderful those moments are when I grab them and focus on them. Writing makes me really live my life instead of going through the motions. I pay attention to the present instead of waiting for future moments like graduation or marriage. I simply cannot be detached from life when I write or the writing is dry and empty. So I’m learning that I don’t always know what’s best for me. I don’t always know who I am or what I’m meant for because when I decided I couldn’t be a ballerina or I would hate writing I didn’t fully understand myself and why I loved those things, why they were good for me. Next time I am quick to decide what is best for me I will instead put things aside instead of dismissing them altogether, because I never know when something will come back and I will once more need it in my life.

Glasses

I recently noticed that my eyes are not quite working how they used to. It came to my attention when I could no longer recognize people that I saw across campus. I waved wildly at one girl who was walking past and as she got closer I realized that she was not the girl that I had thought and was trying her best to figure out how on earth I knew her. At that point I figured it was time to get my eyes checked.

Turns out I have a slight stigmatism and could use glasses. They were not crucial, I could see fine without them, but I had a harder time making out tiny print and objects far away. The eye doctor gave me a choice to either pay for glasses or to see how long I could go without them, but since I went to college in Nashville where everyone is trendy and it is normal to have unique fashion, another accessory sounded fun and my parents wrote the check. I picked out some cute, fashionable, blue ones and began to enjoy the many compliments on how cute I look in them. I am so glad that I did not need glasses in my awkward teenage years or they would have definitely been the opposite of a fashion accessory like these.

Actually most days I completely forget to wear my glasses unless I have a headache and blame it on my eyes. I can go about my life as normal, and since I can see fine as far away as a normal classroom wall, there isn’t even a need for them in school. Although they are legitimate glasses I really do use them more as an accessory than something useful. But when I do use them, the subtle difference in my view of the world is noticeable: everything is clearer and I do not have to strain so hard to read signs on the road, I actually recognize my friends who pass on the way to class, and I feel shorter. Yes, something about my depth perception really does change when I wear my glasses and I feel closer to the ground when I am walking outside, believe it or not. There is one thing I noticed about wearing glasses that is more serious than figuring out how short I am, however.

I do not realize how fuzzy my world is, how dull around the edges and muddy things are until I look through a different lens.

Think about that for a few minutes. How often do we settle for a fuzzy reality without realizing how fuzzy it really is? We get used to what the world considers normal life, and then when something changes our view for just a minute, be it an emotional experience or something gorgeous that we can’t take our eyes off of, we suddenly see that there is something more than our bleary idea of life. We think we are living, but there is a whole universe that we have only seen a corner of. People are amazingly complicated and confusing but we settle for “I’m good” and “Nothing much” instead of asking what is really going on. We are ok with looking through a bleary lens and we only notice when we turn our head and find a clearer spot on the glass. We are very used to settling.

I’ve noticed that when I put on my glasses, shift my view of the world for a minute, and decide to look at life from a different perspective it is much more interesting than I originally thought. Sitting on the couch reading a good book or vegging is not boring or pathetic, it is taking advantage of the opportunity to relax. Going to work as a waitress is not just a way to make money, it is a way to serve others and find out more about the people I work with. School is not just something to finish so I can go into the real world, it is an opportunity to learn more about the world I was born into, and I can always make time to connect with a friend no matter how busy I get because people are interesting and wonderful and it takes more than a lifetime to find out everything there is to know about someone. The world we live in is covered in a film, and when we take the time to peel it back for a moment we are privy to the glory of a God infinitely creative and good. So every time I am surprised by how clear things are when I put on my glasses, I hope it is a lesson that there is something shiny and beautiful and glorious that I hardly even glance at when I go about “living” and I should celebrate and explore this world instead of settling for schedules and deadlines. There is more to this life that we usually don’t even notice.