Waiting

I was reading in Romans today and came across these verses: "We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his fath. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." Romans 12: 6,7. Now these are nice, comforting verses about how we all have unique gifts to contribute to the world, but as soon as I read this I began to tear up. I was filled with a sense of longing, of wanting. See, the reason I was reading in Romans in the first place was because I am tired of waiting on my purpose. I am tired of walking into a classroom that is not mine as a substitute teacher. I am tired of seeing pictures from other teacher's lives on their desks, of their friendships with their own team of teachers. I am tired of teaching lessons that others have planned. And most of all, I am tired of working nights and weekends at a restaurant job that wears me out and tears me down emotionally. I'm tired of waiting.

I love teaching. I enjoy substitute teaching even more than I expected. However, some days I will be teaching a lesson and be suddenly filled with a longing for this to be my own classroom, decorated with my own creative crafts. I will be sitting in the teachers lounge and wish that I could create relationships with teachers that I could work with every day instead of moving from school to school like a vagrant. I can't wait to plan my own lessons, building on lessons past and seeing the progress in my students. I can't wait to organize my own desk. I want to be a teacher so badly. Lately I have actually given up the hope of getting a full-time teaching job. So today I decided I needed to open up God's word and be renewed so I could wait patiently for His plan. That is why I almost cried when I saw those words, "if [his gift] is teaching, let him teach." Oh, if the world would only let me teach.

I know that this waiting period for me could be much worse. I have a wonderful husband that encourages me to be patient and lets me know that everything will be ok. Sometimes I don't get much sleep between serving at night and teaching in the morning, but I could be a lot more worn out than I am, and at least my jobs are flexible. At least I have jobs. I even have a job that is within my career, though it is at the bottom of the totem pole. I have a God that is in control and has a plan for me. Yes, things could be much worse.

Life has a tendency to make us think that every waiting period, every dry period we go through feels like the worst. We wonder how we can get through it and if it will ever end. Then when it is over, we look back on it and most of the time we forget how hard it was. That's how my life felt when I was single for 21 years and wondered if I would ever find love. Now I have a wonderful marriage and I can't hardly remember how it felt to be single and waiting. We all have to wait at times, that is part of life on this earth. We just can't forget that the waiting will end eventually.

Therefore, I am learning that the best thing for me to do during this period of waiting is to remember how God has worked in my life before. In the past when I was waiting He was orchestrating something for me that was even better than I expected. He had a plan for me then, and He has a plan for me now. If He has truly given me the gift to teach, then one day He will let me teach. Until then I can count my blessings, do my best in the teaching opportunities that I am given, and hold on to the hope that it will all work out according to His perfect will. He has a plan, and that plan includes waiting.

Skillet Tomato Mac n Cheese

With this whole pinterest craze happening lately, I feel the need to post a few recipes that I can't find on the internet. (Now I can pin them to my own pinterest board! Hehe) Here is one that I tried last night. It was super easy and quick, and the first thing Ian said after trying it was, "This is tasty! You can make this one again!"

I originally got the recipe from this book: Cooking Heathly With A Man In Mind. Yes I know, the book sounds silly and the people on the cover look like they are stuck in the 80s. I actually got this cookbook from a white elephant gift exchange this Christmas, but it does have some really great recipes.

Ingredients

15 oz can of tomato sauce

1 can cream of mushroom soup

1 Tbsp dried onion flakes (I used minced onions)

1/2 cup sliced mushrooms, drained (I left these out, mushrooms are too slimy for me)

6 oz shredded cheddar cheese

2 tsp dried parsley flakes

1/4 tsp black pepper

3 cups hot cooked elbow macaroni, rinsed and drained

Personally, I would add some sausage in there too, because to me it seemed like that would make it even more perfect.

Recipe

In a large skillet, combine tomato sauce, mushroom soup, onion flakes, and mushrooms. Stir in cheddar cheese, parsley flakes, and black pepper. Cook on medium heat until the cheese melts, stirring often. Add the macaroni (and possibly cooked sausage?) and mix well. Lower the heat, cover, and simmer for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.

This serves 6 (and it tastes even better for leftovers!). Bon apetit!

Generosity

The other day my husband and I went out to eat so we could catch a football game and have a light lunch. We munched on chips and salad, and since we sat for a while we gave the waiter a nice tip even though the bill wasn't very big. I've worked in the food industry since I was 16, so I try to give a good tip when we eat out because I completely understand how it is to wait tables. Most servers make about $2 an hour, and the rest comes from tips, which makes it really frustrating when a table leaves a lousy tip after taking up a lot of time and work. As my boss at Chili's explained the other day, servers are salespeople, and like all salespeople, they work on commission. I could probably rant about the importance of tipping servers for a while, but that is not actually relevant to this post. However, after knowing and understanding all of this, and after giving a tip that I would be happy to receive, I actually left the restaurant wondering if I gave too much and bothered by the fact that we have to spend a lot to eat out even when we don't order much since we have to add the tip into the equation.

My husband and I are very conservative with our spending. Our financial goals in this season of our lives is to save our money and pay off those college loans looming over our heads. They aren't really looming, but sometimes they do feel to me like a mountain that I have to climb and the other big events of my life are on the other side of the mountain. Not that it is a very steep mountain, but rather a gradual climb that I will slowly chip away at for a few years. Still, some big events in the future like buying a house, having kids, or going on big trips are postponed until we are on the other side. Loans come first.

Of course I know this is smart; we want to have good credit and save money since we are just starting off, and my husband seems to have the right mindset about everything. So why is it bothering me when we are generous to servers or charities because I haven't climbed my loan mountain yet? Something tells me that generosity should not bother me so much, but instead be something that I feel good about. I thought I wasn't being selfish or materialistic since I wasn't spending very much, but maybe I was still being selfish in my saving. Maybe there's multiple sides to selfishness and generosity.

Andy Stanley, the pastor of Northpoint Ministries, often preaches about the importance of financial responsibility. One thing that he says that I think is wise is how it is important to only live off of a percentage of your income so that you have a greater margin to be generous. He talks about the importance of tithing (or giving) a certain percent of income every month. Ian and I have been putting some money away for giving each month, but after that lunch the other day I realized that there was something missing for me still: my heart.

It is a great thing to give. Our world is broken in so many ways, and just to chip at that brokenness with generosity is important. As Christians we are called to give, it is a part of our purpose. Generosity for us is a spiritual thing, not just something you plan and count, it should affect more than just your mind. Putting money away to give every month was something I had only been planning in my mind. I was not praying about where we should put the money, or being led to give in certain ways. My brain was the only thing affected. Maybe giving every month makes us "good" people, but God wants us to be more than that. He calls us to be like Him, and He gives out of love. He asks us why we give, not just what we give.

“Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.“So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." Matthew 6:1-4

"But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life." I Timothy 6:6-7, 17-19

We give so that we may fulfill His command to love others. We give so that we will not put our trust in wealth, but instead in God. We give so that our hearts look more like His.

I think that when my walk with God seems to stall and my spiritual life goes through a dry spell, I should look at my willingness to give. I think my generosity tells me a lot about how I am acting as a child of God. If I am trusting God, why do I worry about giving money to a good cause? Why do I worry about being too generous? It doesn't make sense.

This year my resolution is going to be to be more generous with my money, my resources, my time, and my love. This year, I want to give not just because I was told to, or because it makes sense financially, but because my heart is in it. I want to give because God's love is flowing through me. When I give that way, I trust that God will continue to give us what we need to be even more generous.

Settled

I was driving home from work through the little town of Franklin, Tennessee, and noticed the quaint homes and shops around me. The old houses reminded me of houses near where my grandparents live, which in turn reminded me of holidays with my family. I usually drive past houses like these when it is cold and crisp outside, with snow or bright colored leaves framing them. These houses also were surrounded with red and orange leaves, and a grey, cloudy sky reminded me of winter in the Northeast. I was feeling nostalgic until I looked at the dashboard of my car and saw that the temperature outside was actually 65 degrees. Yes, it is the middle of November and despite cloudy skies, the temperature outside is warm. I thought of how strange it is that the people in these houses are used to warmer, milder winters than I am. It's normal for them. Then I realized, This is my normal now, too.

All my life I have wondered about what life would be like when I grew up. Where would I live? What would I do? Who would I marry? Everything was open wide, there were millions of possibilities, and it was always fun to dream of what life would be like as an adult. I realized today that now I am, and now I know. I live in Nashville, I am a teacher, and I am married to Ian. This is my reality.

This summer I graduated, got married, and began substitute teaching. Teaching renews me and makes me happy, and it is wonderful knowing that I have found my calling. My husband and I have a wonderful, deep marriage where we are continually growing closer together. We keep each other sane and make each other happy. We have little routines like napping together for a few minutes on the couch if Ian leaves for work before me, and giving each other one last kiss right after we turn out the lights at night. I always dreamed about being married, but it is honestly better than I expected. I've been slowly realizing that teaching and Ian make up my life now, but all of it hit me today when I realized that I really, truly live in Nashville.

I live in Nashville. I have an apartment here, a family here, and a job here. Mild climates and beautiful rolling hills are now my normal. While I was at Belmont I knew that I lived in Nashville, but it was still very temporary-feeling. I knew that Belmont would end in 4 years, and who knew where I would go after that. Nothing was for sure. Now I can look ahead 20 years and see myself in Nashville with a family and a house and a teaching job. What used to be so temporary now feels so permanent. Visiting my grandparents in Pennsylvania for a cold, white Christmas was my normal, but my future grandchildren may have a normal of visiting their grandparents in Tennessee for a slightly chilly Christmas with maybe a dusting of snow every few years. When I come home, I will be coming home to Nashville.

I know that God has plans for my life that I don't know of yet. There are verses in the Bible that remind me that as much as we may plan, God is the only one with the final word:

"Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”" James 4:13-15

"Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring." Proverbs 27:1

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Proverbs 19:21

At the same time, God wants us to have wise plans for our future:

"The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty." Proverbs 21: 5

Ian and I are carefully planning our future. We have many different budgets, and Ian gets an email when houses come available that are in the price range we hope to be at in a few years. We hope and pray that God blesses our carefully laid plans, but we know also to remember that ultimately it is God's purpose that prevails.

For right now, I am content with my adult life in Nashville. Nashville, my home.

Floating

This is a sticky, awkward time in my life. I just graduated, I am planning a wedding, and I am searching for a job. As the weeks flew by that led up to graduation, I was really looking forward to post-graduation when I would have time to relax and no longer have to worry about homework or deadlines. I was looking so forward to it that I forgot to savor every last minute of my time at Belmont before I hit the real world. I saw good friends, put off the job search, and tried to attend all of the end-of-school parties that were thrown, but I did not soak up the moment as much as I could have. Now, when I can officially say I have a Bachelor's degree, and I am finished with school for a long time, I have a weird feeling of being prepared but not ready at the same time.

As an extravert, I am energized by seeing a lot of people. That was one reason I tried to stay busy throughout high school and college, because the more activities I had in the day meant the more people I would run into. This moment where I am unemployed except for a small summer job and all of my friends have left to pursue their own callings feels strange and confusing. I am enjoying having some time to relax and catch up on tv shows while I plan for my wedding and organize the new apartment, but when I have a few days in a row of being by myself waiting for my fiance to get off work it starts to wear on me. I know that once I find a job and we are settled into our married lifestyle I will be busier and see more people, but it is an odd feeling to be excited to have time to do whatever I want but at the same time bored with sitting in an empty apartment. I cannot wait until I can start my career doing what I am called to do. Being a couch potato is not very purposeful.

I am very excited to start this new journey into married life. I cannot wait until I can wake up next to my fiance and I do not have to leave to go back to my own place at night. We have already merged all of our things, and I am having fun coming up with different decorating ideas for our apartment. He can be very opinionated about certain things, which makes me think creatively to come up with compromises. He stretches me in ways, and I make him try new things. We are always good at making decisions together, which is something I know will be very important when we are married. I know that marriage is something to work at over and over, but at the moment I can just treasure the opportunity to spend time with him as we plan for our future.

Although I am graduated and into the "real world", the future still seems hazy and endless. Looking for a job can be stressful and frustrating, especially when I love doing something and I am qualified to do it but am unsure of my place. I want to teach so badly. I always think of the Frederick Buechner quote, "The place where God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." I have found my deep gladness in teaching, but I am searching for where it meets with the world's deep hunger. Right now it has to be in Nashville, because that is where we are living and my fiance is working. I know that God has a place for me, and I can trust that he will work things out, but it is a hard thing to wait for. It is especially weird when I have been working toward something all my life in school, constantly finishing tasks and checking off lists, and now suddenly I have to send in resumes and wait. I am learning to be a patient person.

As I am floating in this world of waiting and planning and resting, I know that it is important I am still present. I should soak in the moments where I am free without a career, and the last few weeks that I am single and looking forward to my wedding day. Soon I will look back on this time and either wish I had savored the moments, or be happy that I did. I feel like I am 12 years old again, in between childhood and teen years, not sure where my place is. I need to be happy that I am blessed in this moment and have my future to look forward to, with people that I love and a God that is always faithful.

Decisions

I tend to think that everything happens for a reason. There are a few reasons for this, one being that my favorite verse growing up was Romans 8:28, which says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His plan.” Reading back through my journal entries I can sense how God has led me, through little choices and odd circumstances, to where I am today in order to be the person I am. I can read prayers that my teenage heart uttered when I thought the world revolved around my high school, and I can see how God worked through every heartache to teach me a lesson I would need a few years later. It is incredible the way He can take my choices and weave them into a tapestry that shows a bigger picture. I caught a glimpse of the bigger picture when I realized how one small, seemingly insignificant choice I made in sixth grade changed the whole course of my life.

The music program in my elementary school had general music classes up until the sixth grade, when we were given a slew of instruments and we had to choose one to play in the band or orchestra. I remember thinking for days about which one would suit me best. Neighbors offered their instruments for me to try, and I went back and forth trying to decide my favorite. In fourth grade I had enjoyed the recorder, and the clarinet looked like the recorder so maybe I should play the clarinet. At the same time, I loved the sound of the flute. It reminded me of a jungle and ancient people playing reeds. I also loved the violin, the way it pulls you into its sound and makes you long for something, though you don’t know what. All three of these instruments played melodies and exciting parts in the band or orchestra, and they were quiet enough to blend in but beautiful enough to arrest your attention in a solo. In the end, I chose clarinet, and I’m still not sure exactly how I came to that conclusion.

The first time I played clarinet by myself in class we had to play Mary Had A Little Lamb for a grade. The teacher immediately asked if I had ever played before, and when I said no he suggested I look into private lessons. He saw potential in me from the first. We didn’t have much money for lessons, but since I chose clarinet I was able to take lessons from the junior high band director whose primary instrument was the clarinet. By the time I was in junior high, the teacher was still giving me lessons and knew my abilities so she always sat me in the front of the section. I had always been really shy, but I learned quickly that music gave me chances for the spotlight that I had secretly craved. When we moved to high school, the junior high teacher put in the recommendations for who could play in the top band, and I was the only one picked. I started out fourth chair in the top band in the high school, the only freshmen, and when we had chair tests halfway through the year I moved up to first chair. The junior high teacher recommended I start taking lessons from someone in the Cincinnati Symphony because I had reached a level that she was not comfortable teaching and she wanted to give me a better opportunity. My best friends joined the marching band and pep band, and since everything I did was for relationships, I too joined every band in high school. Music was becoming my thing, my niche, and finally when it was time to choose colleges and majors, I simply could not think of anything that I would enjoy as much as music.

This was the point when I could really see God’s hand guiding me through my decisions. When it came time for college music auditions I needed a nicer, wooden clarinet. They are usually very expensive and I didn’t think my family could afford one, but the nurse from my elementary school happened to be selling a professional model, and my family worked it out so we could afford it. God planted Belmont University in my heart during the search for college, and when I auditioned they only had one other clarinet music major so they gave me the highest music scholarship they offered. I also got a scholarship from Cincinnati for being a music major. If I had not chosen clarinet in sixth grade, I would not have been able to afford Belmont.

I have absolutely loved being a music major at Belmont in Nashville the past three years. There have been rough times when I was so busy I did homework and hung out with friends late at night, slept during meal times, and ate in my classes. There have been seasons when I cried myself to sleep for many nights in a row, and seasons when I had to learn hard lessons about letting go and moving on, but I can look back on those too and see why God led me through those storms instead of around them. My identity the last few years has grown out of my independence from living five hours from home, from the friends I have met here and the opportunities I have discovered. If I had not chosen clarinet I would not have met my boyfriend who also played clarinet, I would not have been at Belmont, or in Nashville. I would have been a different person who learned different lessons and had different life experiences. I would have known different people. It is incredible to me that that small decision pointed me toward this life. Who knows what other decisions effect our futures, and how big the ripples become when an insignificant decision breaks the surface of our lives.

My Treasure

Near the end of last semester I decided to take a walk by myself. There are a few people that know me well enough to know that I usually do not take walks by myself on a whim. If I am walking by myself taking in a view that I normally drive by in a hurry, there is something going on inside me, something not right. On this particular day I had projects to work on, papers to write, and instruments to practice, but I knew that I could do none of those because my heart and head were twisting in knots and spinning in circles. The only way I knew to unravel them was to go outside where it was peaceful since my normally peaceful insides were in turmoil. I was on a mission to find out how to bring the peace that I saw in the fluffy white clouds and calm blue sky back into my life.

Of course one of the reasons I was walking was because I didn’t have a car. That was part of my problem. A while back my car had a coolant leak and the repair shop told me it would cost $400. My family didn’t have the money so I bought the part and had a friend fix it. A few weeks later I was driving home and the clutch broke. The day I went on that walk, the mechanic had kept my car for three weeks and it was possible they would have to replace the whole clutch, which would cost about $1000. If my family could not afford half that price the first time my car had problems, they surely couldn’t afford this. But we had no choice.

Another reason I needed a walk was because the guy that I had been interested in randomly asked, “We are just friends, right? I would never want to lead you on or hurt you in any way, so I just want to make sure we are clear.” I had lied through my teeth and said, “Oh of course! Friends.” It felt like everything was being taken away from me, and sometime during that semester I learned how to worry.

I walked along the sidewalk noticing the quirky houses I passed and listening to my ipod. I once heard that beauty is a cure for many things, so I thought maybe if I appreciated the beauty around me it would teach me how to have peace again. I knew I needed to trust God, but I couldn’t get my heart to obey. There was too much weighing it down and squishing it onto the floor for me to lean it on God. After walking about a mile I turned around with no new revelations, nothing to alleviate my problems. Now I was worrying that I couldn’t stop worrying. My problems were taking root inside of me and growing giant trees that blocked my view from anything in the future. I couldn’t get to tomorrow if I couldn’t climb my walls of today.

Suddenly a new song came on my ipod. I have no idea why I even had this song on my ipod because I didn’t remember listening to it before and my ipod only has my favorite songs. The words started to chop down my problem trees.

Take these hands and lift them up, for I have not the strength to praise You near enough, See I have nothing, I have nothing without You.

All my soul needs is all Your love to cover me so all the world will see that I have nothing, I have nothing without You.

Take my time here on this earth and let it glorify all that You are worth for I am nothing, I am nothing without You.

The peace that I was searching for started to creep in with the haunting words, “I have nothing.” Nothing. This world could take away everything I own, but what am I losing? Only what God had blessed me with in the first place. I already had my Savior, who was the One thing I could never lose, and He was all that I needed. If I lose something, it is ok because I was only borrowing it to begin with. Nothing I have on this earth is mine. Nothing except Jesus. My problem was not that my car was breaking down or that the guy I liked did not share the same feelings, it was that I had somehow given myself a sense of ownership, as if I deserved these things. The only thing I deserve is hell, and Jesus already gave me the gift of life with Him instead. I’m the richest girl in the world, but my treasure is not of this earth.